shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm not really sure actually. until I fell in love with a boy (which was just a few weeks ago) I thought my attraction to men was purely physical.
so you were gay...and then you realized you were EVEN MORE gay
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
