So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
