I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
