Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
