dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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