$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
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