i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
