the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
