you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
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