Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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