I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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