Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Randomize
