I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
