I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
