I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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