Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I party with great urgency now.
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