I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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