it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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