Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
