just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
