I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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