The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I just googled if crying burns calories
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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