I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
