If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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