My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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