so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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