So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
