Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
