I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
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