remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
