you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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