3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
