my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
