I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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