If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
