Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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