His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
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I woke up to her vacumming the grass
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
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He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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