I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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