So drunk its hurt
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
