2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys