I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Stuck it in his pooper.
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My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
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When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.