I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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