mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
this hospital has no fireball
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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