I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize