Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
