Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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