I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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