Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
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