eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Randomize
