Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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