So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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