I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
