I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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