I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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