Got a toothbrush?
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
