Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
