fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
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