Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
